Metal Gear Solid 2 Musical Espionage Action
by Lord CrutchCricket
Summary: MGS2 as a musical! No drugs were consumed during the making of this work.
1. Chapter 1

I assure you I don't do drugs. And while we're at it, you shouldn't either.

* * *

**Metal Gear Solid 2: Musical Espionage Action**

_[Scene opens on rainy bridge with river beneath. A cargo ship is slowly moving towards the bridge]_

Snake (VO): The Hudson River, two years ago…

_[Solid Snake walks on bride in large poncho smoking a cigarette]_

Otacon (VO): Snake let's go over this again.

Snake (VO): Why? I already know what I'm doing. Bungee off this bridge onto the tanker go all Predator on-err sneak around, the nice marines, find the new Metal Gear they've got stashed and take some pictures. What's the big deal?

Otacon (VO): Come on Snake. You know it's not a Metal Gear mission until the jerk sending you all alone in enemy territory with no weapons explains the mission in a long winded speech, mere minutes before you're inserted.

Snake (VO): I've always wondered about that. Why is it you guys never tell me what I need to do _before_ I go in? You know so I can prepare for the mission, maybe run some training exercises...

Otacon (VO): Training exercises? You? Come on. You're already the most badass soldier in existence. You've got everything you need in your genes.

Snake (VO): Actually that's a myth. There are no specific genes that control… wait why are we talking about genes? Do you have Naomi stashed in there someplace?

Otacon (VO): Er… no. Anyway you need to infiltrate the tanker Snake, and find where they're keeping the new Metal Gear…

Snake (VO): I know goddamn it! I just said it!

Otacon (VO): And then we're gonna need you to take some pictures. So if you could do that, that'd be greaaat!

Snake (VO): Otacon I swear to God, you do that Lumberg impression one more time…

Otacon (VO): Yeah, yeah, just be happy I'm not masquerading as your old CO and telling you about how much I need scissors.

Snake (VO): What?

Otacon (VO): Never mind. The tanker's almost there. Go Snake!

[_On the bridge, Snake starts running. As he does, he turns invisible. And as he does that epic music begins to play_]

Musical Number- Main theme (sung to the tune of the MGS2 theme)

Chorus: Dun dun dun! Dun dun Dun! Me-tal Gear!

Holy Shit! It's Solid Snaake!

And the start, of a brand new game!

Yes it's true! With better graphics,

And a mullet gathering fame!

See him land, right on that tanker

That stealth camo's working just fine

His bandanna holds his hair back

And he's armed with just an M9!

Percussion break

_[Enter Ocelot on a helicopter with binoculars]_

Ocelot:

There's our boy, right on time

He just doesn't have a clue

What is up with those sparks?

It's like Terminator 2!

Chorus: Epic Title Flash on screen! Now we end with an abrupt break!

Snake (calling Otacon on the codec):

What the fuck? This camo's busted.

Otacon! In you I trusted

Otacon: Deal with it, this ain't the army!

Snake: Well, with rations, they really can't harm me!

_[As this is going on, Russian soldiers land and kill the marines]_

Snake (looking around):

Check it out, these Russian mofos,

Took out all, the guards in slow-mo

Guess I'll have to sneak right by them

It's not like they could see past three feet!

Epic ending verse with huge chorus vocalizations and sheer epic-ness!

Everyone:

So it starts, the epic gameplay

Solid Snake, here to save the day

Let's just hope he stays the hero

Not replaced with an effeminate zero!

_[At this last line Raiden pokes his head out and cries]_

_[After the musical number Snake sneaks into the tanker interior tranquilizing, neck breaking or punch-punch-kicking anyone in his way]

* * *

_

Well I think I'll end it there for now. Don't know if I'll continue (though I might be tempted if this is well received and/or if I get more song ideas). I don't know what came over me. I'm not a fan of musicals, though I am a fan of parodies. But since there's dozens of MGS ones out there, I thought I might try something different. By the way I'm not a Raiden hater I just threw that in for laughs.


	2. Chapter 2

The random mood came by me again (and really, random is good!) and so, partially for that and partially due to the support of **Requiem for Absolution **and **Smash-the-Elder** a new chapter is added. Unfortunately I had no musical number (read song parody) ready so I'm hoping random poetry (read limerick) is sufficient.

* * *

**Scene 2 Tanker inside**

_[As Snake enters the tanker a narrator begins talking]_

N:

So Snake snuck into the tanker,

Had to break this guard's neck like a wanker.

He could've slid by

If he remembered to dry

His feet like private first ranker.

_[Snake looks up from dragging the body of the guard he just killed and frowns at the voice]_

N:

Now dragging his corpse isn't fun,

But it's something you know must be done

The dead guards in here

Can't just disappear

Like they did in _MGS1_

Snake (_muttering under his breath_): Damn rhyming narrator. I'll drag him in a closet…

N:

It's not wise to wish your bard harm

When you've only got a side arm

With the sound of my voice

I bring in the boys

To sound a general alarm!

_[At this a guard comes around the corner and spots Snake]_

Guard: ! (_Shoots a burst at him with an AR-90 most of which misses_)

Snake: Damn it! (_Shoots him in the face with the M9. The guard drops._) Alright you vindictive bastard, you made your point!

N:

So glad that we can atone

But the guard already picked up the phone

So when they check him in threes

They'll see floating zee's

You better move to the next loading zone

And now I will take one more verse

For your trouble I will reimburse

Then I'm out of the screen

Till the end of the scene

Which for you might be more of a curse

When you see a guard up ahead

Point your gun at the back of his head

Then bear down on his face

Till he's shaking in place

And _his_ dog tags will be yours instead.

Snake: What? (_hearing no response he moves carefully forward_)

_[Deck E- Crew Lounge]_

_[Snake sneaks forward. At the bottom of the stairs he sees a guard sitting down and listening to music]_

Snake (_whispering_): Amateurs!

[He sneaks forward and is about to break the guard's neck when he remembers the narrator's words. Instead he just points his gun at the back of his head.]

Snake: Freeze!

_[Immediately the guard springs up with his hands up]_

Guard: Don't shoot!

_[Snake moves around him and points the gun at his chest]_

Snake: Wow you got up pretty fast. How'd you do that?

Guard: Practice.

Snake: Seriously though. I wasn't expecting that. (_lowers his gun slightly_). You totally could've turned the tables on me.

Guard (_shrugs_): Not really allowed to do that right off the bat. Union contract.

Snake: You guys have a union?

Guard: Of course. The Faceless Guard Collective. We're a branch off from the Expendable Goon Union.

Snake: Expendable Goon? You guys call yourselves goons?

Guard: Yeah. Goon is the politically correct term. We were henchmen before but then the female assassins from Half-Life started making a big deal about equal opportunity…and well… you try arguing with them. It's all tight latex and silenced pistols with them. And they expect _us _not to stare. If you ask me…

Snake: Uhh yeah... Listen I got shit to do. So fork over your dog tags.

Guard: See now that's just rude. You hold me at gunpoint when I was just trying to take a nap. Then you ask me about the very cornerstone of gainful employment as a terrorist stand-in. Then you just cut me off to rob me?

Snake: Shut up and give me the tags already.

Guard: This is a fundamental example of what's wrong with the world. This may not the most glamorous job but it is employment nonetheless. Here I am a working man being accosted …

Snake: Shut up!

Guard: ..by a vicious bandanna wearing mulletman simply because he is the stronger. Do you really think the geopolitical climate _you're_ trying to maintain would approve of this blatant abuse of power? I mean you can't expect to just run around robbing people at gunpoint just because your cone of vision's bigger!

Snake: I said shut up! (_punches him in the face_).

Guard: Ah now we see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help I'm being repressed!

[_Snake punch-punch-kicks him and he drops_]

Snake: Damn political goon!

[_A second guard hears the noise and comes to investigate. Snake hides under a table and when the guard bends down to check the knocked out guard Snake sticks him up as well_]

Snake: Freeze!

Guard 2: No!

Snake: Give me your tags! And if you so much as start saying "geopolitical climate" I swear I'll snap your neck!

Guard 2: Hey they don't pay me enough to say big words. Here! (_gives him his tags_). And sorry about Dennis. He really gets into these political talks.

Snake: Dennis?

Guard 2: Yeah he insists we call him Dennis. It's a bit stupid when you think about it. I mean we can't even tell each other apart half the time. I ended up calling my brother Dennis one time and man did he…ugh!

[_Snake shoots him with the tranquilizer._]

Snake: What's with these guys? (_goes off in search of the bridge_)

N:

So Snake buggered off to the bridge

Grabbed a box from the big walk-in fridge

Robbed more guards of their tags

And found porno mags

And that's why this part we abridge

So be sure to join us next time

We'll cut back on our foolish rhyme

See gunfights in the rain

Thermal goggles we'll gain

Once the soaking wet mast we have climbed!

* * *

I hadn't intended the first guard to turn into the political peasant from Monty Python. But he did it anyway. So let's just call it a shout-out and leave it at that.


End file.
